When Bad Reviews Make Me Feel Good

I try not to look at my reviews, really I do. I want to either (a) have the strength not to look in the first place, or (b) have the strength not to care. However, since I don’t possess those strengths at all times, occasionally I fall back on one of my default coping strategies: misery loves company. So, I took a little stroll around Goodreads, checked in on some of my favorite books, and took a gander at their greatest detractors. 

I really do feel better!

 

ALIENIST

What it lacks in is an actual story.

 

ANGLE OF REPOSE

I have no idea why I hated this book so much.

 

ANNA KARENINA

Infuriatingly boring.

 

AWAKENING

I’d like to give this book ZERO stars, but it’s not an option. This is hands down the worst book that I’ve ever read. I will never say that again in a review, because this one wins that prize.

 

BLOOD MERIDIAN

It very nearly put me off reading anything ever again.

 

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

Okay, I know I’m supposed to appreciate this book, but all I can do is hate, hate, hate it.

 

DEVIL IN THE WHITE CITY

First of all, I’ve never liked Chicago.

 

DUKE AND I

This book was quite boring.

 

ENGLISH PATIENT

One of my least favorite novels of all time.

 

FLOWERS FROM THE STORM

It was torture to read these tortured characters.

 

GOD OF SMALL THINGS

This is, without a doubt, the single worst book ever written.

 

HONEY IS BITTER

On the bright side, it made me realize that even I could write a book that was good enough to be published by someone.

 

LORD OF SCOUNDRELS

Absolutely the worst romance novel ever!

 

ME TALK PRETTY ONE DAY

Some people just shouldn’t write memoirs.

 

MY ANTONIA

Everytime I see this book in stores, it makes me cringe. I absolutely loathe it.

 

ORLANDO

This book was like the song that wouldn’t end- it just goes on and on.

 

POSSESSION

One of the worst examples of self-indulgence by a writer it has ever been my misfortune to read.

 

POST-BIRTHDAY WORLD

But when I wasn’t curling my lip in disgust, I was banging my head against the wall in frustration and boredom.

 

PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This book is quite possibly the most insipid novel I have ever read in my life.

 

REMAINS OF THE DAY

I’ve had more fun reading the encyclopedia.

 

SKYE O’MALLEY

One of the most horrible books I’ve ever read in my life.

 

SUN ALSO RISES

Wow, this book was a dud.

 

WHITNEY, MY LOVE

What a horrible book!

 

WOLF HALL

What a disappointment this book turned out to be. which is a shame because it was very expensive!

In Which I Let Loose on “Control”

Yesterday, I went fan-girl crazy over a book called Control by Charlotte Stein. I have so many deadlines pressing down on me and this was absolutely not the time for me to spend an entire day reading a Slutty Little Bookworm manifesto. But I couldn’t stop. There was so much I adored about this book, but as is almost always the case with my reading pleasure, it came down to the language. Stein has voice, people. And I love it.

When I feel this happy about a book, I tend to get all effusive and I’ve already done that over on Twitter, probably embarrassing Ms. Stein with my enthusiasm. I also make A-B-C gratitude lists. (This might be a pastime I picked up in a 12-stop program in a former life; I can’t remember.) In any case, I highly recommend it, this alphabetizing of things you love.

So here is my Gratitude List for Control by Charlotte Stein, with excerpts from the book in italics:

A – Anywhere (It pours through me, and pours through him, and all I can think is this: I would find you anywhere.)

B – Books. Books. Books. Books in the bookstore alcove that Gabe has penciled in. Books piled all over Maddie’s messy apartment. Books under Gabe’s bed. Books the cousin made Gabe read in his youth. Just…books.

C – Cousins

D – Dirty Clothes (‘These are my – you know. Dirty clothes.’ Of course I’ve got no idea what that means. But I’d certainly like to subscribe to its newsletter. Just where does one find these so called dirty clothes, and what activities might one partake of while wearing them?)

E – Erection (‘Really? I thought my erection had turned invisible.’ It warms my heart, to hear him snark. Thank God no irrevocable psychological damage has taken place. Go us!)

F – French Movies (It’s all romance and tragedy and sex, people foofing around in French until you just want to drink coffee and have tortured affairs with the entire world.)

G – Grey Gardens (I think of Gabe’s comment about Grey Gardens again, as I go. Maybe his parents aren’t dead and I’m going to find them somewhere, dressed in their swimming costumes and carrying raccoons.)

H – Humiliation (I need to know how much humiliation you want, in order to get you to that place of shuddery, red-faced excitement, without the uncomfortable self-doubt and awkwardness, afterwards.)

I – I do too (I guess the I do, too was much more pathetic than I gave it credit for. I guess I’m much more pathetic than I gave me credit for.)

J – Jeannette. (I can believe that I adore Jeanette, in that moment. And I’m so happy, to have her as some sort of friend. I’m happy to be the dirty sidekick, to her semi-pure and half-decent heroine.)

K – Knickers (He’s still wearing the pink knickers.)

L – Licking (‘Here, let me make it better,’ I say, and he stops rubbing the injured party. He drops his hand, without me having to tell him to. Then I bend at the waist, and poke out my tongue. ‘Is this the good part of BDSM?’ he
asks, when I lick. Just a little.)

M – Maddie. Madison. Dear Ms Morris.

N – Nancy.

O – Opening the bathroom door.

P – Plastic covered furniture.

Q – Quickly (I had to find places quickly, because by then I really  … I  … well.)

R – Right angles (I like right angles, I tell him, and his tongue touches his upper teeth.)

S – Slutty Little Bookworm

T – Toys. Toy drawers and Toy museums.

U – Under Gabe’s bed (‘They’re not mine.’ I love him for trying to deny it – it just makes the whole thing so much less awful, somehow. So much more like a game. Now I get to force him to confess.)

V – Vegas (‘If you liked it too much, then what did I do?’ ‘You ran away to Las Vegas and married it.’)

W – Wicked words.

X – Hmmm, I can’t think of anything X-rated…LOLOLOL.

Y – Youth (The way my dad used to chase me around and around it, just in fun – because I was still little and not yet unwieldy, and confusing. How I used to long to go back there, back to that first home where everything was good and happy.)

Z – ZOMFG about this whole damn book. Not that I even know what ZOMFG really means, but I think the Z is supposed to give a little extra oomph. Or as Gabe would say, “mmph.” (And I kiss him hard enough to force this noise out of him: mmph.)